Image is Important…
The following is a personal account by Steve, a serving prisoner, of his experience with Forensic Therapies. Steve’s courage in commencing a therapeutic process, despite resistance, demonstrates his determination to gain an understanding of identity issues that had informed his offending behaviour over many years. Offence-focused work is immensely challenging; it means confronting destructive actions and considering the impact of your behaviour on self and others. Steve has done this over a sustained period of time and the benefits have become evident in his relationships within the prison and the fact that he is now investing in studying with the Open University to enable new options for his future.
For over ten years now, I have been going through phases where I’ll be calm and placid and then it seems that all of a sudden I would erupt violently towards someone, in some cases to more than one person. Then a few days later I would be going over the incident in my head. Guilt and remorse played a big part in this.
I can recall one occasion when I was at work as a door supervisor. Two men were playing up, so I escorted them from the premises. As the three of us got outside the tension became too much for me because they didn’t seem to understand what I was saying, although I thought that I’d made myself clear. So I erupted and went too far. When I got home I remember looking in the mirror arguing with myself as if I was in a heated discussion with the two men. You see, my reflection in the mirror was the two men. The next day, again, I was beating myself up about it – and who should turn up? Guilt and remorse!
I started doubting myself, saying that something was wrong with me, saying that something was missing. If only I had had the weekly counselling sessions I have now back then – I know and feel that I would not be in the situation that I am in now, in prison.
On my sentence, in HMP Pentonville, I became good friends with someone and whenever I found myself needing to get something off my chest, or if I was approaching one of my ‘phases’, I’d speak with him. One day the inmate said to me that I should speak to the counsellor that he was seeing. Immediately my shield went up. I thought I’m a doorman, a debt collector, I don’t need to see a counsellor and get fed untold tablets, and besides, I thought, counselling is for the weak. Little did I know! However, my friend persuaded me, and believe me, it was not easy for him.
I approached the counsellor from Forensic Therapies Ltd and arranged a meeting. The first words out of my mouth were “I don’t know how this works but I know I don’t need medication”. Knowing what I know now, I can laugh at what I said.
Our first session wasn’t what I expected. The counsellor made me feel relaxed and reassured me that what I said was in confidence, which in turn made me feel confident and able to speak freely. I never felt judged at all, which was a fear I had in the back of my mind when I first arranged to meet with him.
The counsellor encouraged me to talk and I could tell that he was actually listening as opposed to waiting for his turn to talk. When I talked to him I wasn’t sure if what I was saying was coming out the way I wanted it to. Then he’d give me some feedback and it often felt as if he could read my mind.
Throughout my sessions we have addressed different topics and how they have related to me. At times, if I didn’t understand, then it would get broken down or said in a different way, which I thought was clever. Two topics that stood out to me the most were my beliefs that I had trouble communicating, which often was experienced by me not speaking to people. Now, this has begun to change and I know that I can be heard and I can also start to feel comfortable about it. The other thing we discussed in detail was my image. I’ve never felt comfortable with letting anybody see my so called ‘soft side’. Or to see my ability to care and love someone outside of my immediate family. I now recognise that this was very much tied up with the job I did. Thanks to my sessions with the counsellor I can now understand that my image came from me having to look after my family from a young age, or so I believed. You see my dad died when I was twelve.
Seeing the counsellor on a weekly basis was the best decision I’ve made for myself – ever! And I would recommend counselling to anyone, so thank you for all your time and hard work.